Cynthéya

Screensaver mode

2012-02-01T03:01:00.000+08:00

OMG. I'm like on screensaver mode EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Ever since A levels ended, I'm like getting lazier and lazier, and I procrastinate even when I wanna sleep, eat and bathe (You see why I'm awake still?)

Hahaha! I've been like thinking of a lot of new things to do to/for myself. Like piercing my ear, dying my hair, I even thought of piercing my tongue lo. Hahahaha. Ltr I become ah lian ._.

But then, even if I feel happier now, I still feel empty inside, it's like all these are just making me happy on the material end.

I'm thinking about you more recently, It has been 25 days since I last saw you. :/ 3 days since you last texted. I miss you so fucking much can :(

But then, the others told me that if you knew tt a girl and a guy can nvr stay as pure friends, plus we're ex, then why are you still so nice to me? I don't rly know what to do. Even when everyone else says that you're probably just being a jerk, I still trust you. I still do.

You.. I miss every single thing about you. I miss that look you give me, the time when we walked in the rain, the times when you cared about me, the time when you tied my hair for me. The times we've had. Baby, I miss you so damn much :'(

Meh.... Trying to distract myself in so many ways, yet failing each time. Tried to get myself an eye candy, but he can nvr replace you, coz eye candies are just for fun only.

Empty. :(

YONG HWA DAMN HANDSOME CAN!!! <3 <3
k, random. I'll smile and slp alrdy. Bye~

P.S. I won $40+ just by being banker in black jack on Sunday, lucky or what? ban luck, 5 cards.. hehehehehe. But then, looking at the speed I spend my money, it'll be gone by this week :)*

2011

2011-12-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

Honestly speaking, 2011 is like the worst year of my 18 years of life.
It's like life made a fool out of me. I got thrown around, scarred, stabbed, pushed, ran over.
But guess what, I'm still standing okay? Though I don't think I'm feeling very happy right now, but I'm still standing.

I won't let you know I still like you. Maybe, if I'm brave enough, I'll return everything you gave me. Every single thing.

I guess these wounds will never heal. Sigh. Buck up Cynthia. Stay away from him. Since you said that he's won, just let it be. Ignore everything related to him, don't talk to him anymore.

Even he lied, even he went back on his words. This proves that nobody can be trusted, no matter how much they do, they'll betray you and leave you someday just like how he and everyone did.

Dear 2011, be over asap. Dear me, get stm asap so I can forget everything

2011-12-26T21:02:00.001+08:00

Maybe.. I'm just being silly. Maybe keeping mum about it is the best decision.....

But I really wanna tell you. I really do :'(

Special occasions?

2011-12-26T05:31:00.001+08:00

I used to look forward to special occasions such as Christmas, New Year, my birthday etc. Now? Nah.. These days just make me feel exceptionally sad and lonely. Coz I know, the reality is that I'll forever be alone on these days and nothing I want will ever be fulfilled.

I had you last year. But still, I didn't manage to celebrate Christmas and New year with you. :/
Now that I don't have you, I feel even worse.

I worked today, from 6pm till night. But yet, I can't get you out of my head, even when working, amidst all the busi-ness, you're still in my head.. Sigh

It's so sucky. Really, everywhere I go, I get reminded of you. It's like no matter how hard I tried, I can't forget you.

I'm trying, to not pester you anymore. But I don't know if this is the right decision. I'm still really worried about you. But I guess there are other people who will be there to worry about you, aren't I right? So I shouldn't be so extra...

Every where I go, I see sweet couples and I would think of how we used to be. I'd try not to look, but they are everywhere :( Sour grapes? :(
Then, the situations I see, remind me of the situations we were in in the past too.

I still remember, being so happy I can't sleep. And I do remember that there were times,too, that I was so upset I had to cry myself to sleep..

I really miss you.. But are you really fine? And will I ever.... get to spend time with you again? :(

Now, it's like we only go out in groups, and I'd be so afraid to talk to you that I'd rather talk to other ppl. Yet, I would notice your every move, your every expression. Making sure you're okay.. Even if you're not, I can't do anything much too. I can only say "omg, are you okay?" in my mind, and give that worried look that nobody will ever notice, including you. Hah.. Only God knows..

Dear festive seasons, I really really dislike you :( I've been spending Valentines' alone, Christmas alone, New Year alone... Sigh.. I bet my birthday is gonna be like shit next year..

Dear me, why can't you not fall in love? Why can't you just love yourself? Why must you love him? Why are you so persistent? Why must you always need somebody to be there for you?..

Be patient girl, don't expect. You know the things you wish for won't happen, you're only hoping for the best, and hoping doesn't always mean that it'll happen. *hugs self*

I have my toys to accompany me through thick and thin ma, yes? Oh wait, it's from him. :/ Should I maybe return him everything? But.. I don't bear to. Sigh. It'll make things worse ba..

I love you.. When can I tell you that again? When? :(

I guess I should head to bed alrdy. It's like 5.30am -.-
Oh, you're beautiful is damn nice can! But it reminds me so much of us. *shakes head* *bangs head*
K, bye. LOL

Terrible

2011-12-24T14:33:00.000+08:00

I give up. I don't even have the mood to shop online anymore.

:(

2011-12-24T03:19:00.002+08:00

It sucks when you're missing on facebook. When you get hurt during your trip to Japan and I know nth until somebody talked about it. And what's worse, I know you're hurt and I can't do anything to help you :( I can only ask if you're okay as a friend. Sigh, you tell her and everybody else, but me. why like that?

Sometimes I wonder if liking you has became a habit, making it even harder to let you go. But how can it be a habit when I really still care? The "more-than-a-friend" kind of care.

I really wish I was a bit braver than I am. I don't know why, but I'm getting more and more afraid, afraid to talk to you. Coz it seemed like you preferred to talk to everybody else but me. Maybe it's just me being crazily paranoid and over thinking again. Le sigh.

I wish you could be here for me, and I could be there for you, like how we used to be. But you're like perfectly fine without me, yet I'm dying inside everyday. Le sigh again

I had to pretend so much just now. Pretend I wasn't upset, pretend I wasn't jealous, pretend I wasn't worried, pretend I wasn't affected. I didn't like to hear you spending time alone with other girls, but you ain't mine anymore, so I have no right to get upset/jealous. I wish I could ask you how you were and take care of you. But I can't, coz we're over. :(

I regretted my decision, my decision to agree with you.
I just want to make things right again.
I want you back... :'(

Haish.. I just wanna stop feeling, stop loving, stop breathing. Coz every second I'm alive and breathing, you're all I think about. :(

Funny thing is that I thought I could let you go like what you've said. But till today, I can't..
I'm really really a lousy person.

2011-12-21T00:30:00.001+08:00

Sigh. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, I get reminded of you. :'(

I'm such a sucker

:/

2011-11-30T20:00:00.001+08:00

I'm sick and tired of this life.

2011-11-27T18:00:00.001+08:00

I wish I would mean something to you again.

I still remember when you grabbed my hand and pulled me across the road. Remember?

2011-11-27T01:42:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should stop hoping..
Maybe I should stop thinking..
Maybe I should stop breathing..

Falling apart

2011-11-22T23:27:00.002+08:00

I miss you so bad. I want you so bad. I'm falling apart inside. I don't know what to do anymore.

3 more days

2011-11-05T20:45:00.000+08:00

3 MORE DAYS TILL HELL BEGINS!!!
My first A level paper is on the 8 of Nov. Ironically, I'm still sitting in front of my computer.
I am taking a break, not skiving. :)

It's actually really freaking me out ._. I wasn't even this afraid during O levels. I could even study the day itself and feel perfectly fine. Now, even when I've studied. I'm still scared -.-

Chem, I know almost everything like the back of my hands. But what if the scenario during O levels re-enact? What if I end up not scoring well for Chem like how I always do?

Maths, have been failing ever since the very first major exam. Terrible. I've done practices for a few topics, yet I'm still having the feeling that I'll forget everything. :(

Bio, managed to cram 6 full topics into my head from morning till now. Really hope they stay in my head as I load more into that brain of mine :(

Econs, I've been scoring well for case studies, but I'm afraid that I don't do as well for A levels. Coz case studies are not always very predictable. Humanities, what do you think? :(

GP. Never ever studied any content. Always manage to scrape through. But I'm panicking right now, coz I don't want a pass, I want more.

Damn. I think I'm stressing myself aren't I?

This coming week is going to be terrible. 6 papers crammed into 4 days.
Tues - chem p3
wed - gp p1 & p2, bio p2
thurs - maths p1
fri - math p2

But after that, it'll be less crappy. coz we have 5 days till our next 2 papers, then 4 days till next paper, then 7 more days till our next 2 papers.

Have to pull through the first week :(

Dear, cambridge, why you so bad? :(

Bad thoughts..

2011-09-28T18:10:00.000+08:00

I think my blog is too dead. -.-

A levels are in a month's time.. I'm so worried. Too many things are worrying me. Especially the people around me.

Recently, thoughts like these have came across my mind too many times..

"I'm such a loser, always ruining everything."
"Nobody really cares, those whom I thought did, never really did. I really suck at choosing friends"
"Loser."

These are really bad thoughts right?? I know.. But I can't stop thinking.

I need to stand on my two feet again. I need to find my smile and happiness back again.

I really dislike the feeling of being not impt to other people, being invisible... That feeling sucks. It's like even when I get lost, leave suddenly. Nobody will really care. Maybe I crave for attention?

Haven't really felt loved or cared for for a really really long time.

Maybe it's true, being lonely for too long makes you think too much..

I need to let the unhappiness go. I really have to. I need to smile, and stop being unhappy. I need to make sure I don't irritate other ppl anymore, esp him..

I really hope I can make it.

Advertorial for Wonderlust world

2011-07-23T14:17:00.001+08:00

I love the clothes from wonderlust world. Its owner, Rachael is really friendly and nice!! I swear!! :)

Okay, I bought several items from various collections.

Delilah scallop trim shorts (dusty pink)

from (365) days of summer

Klara chiffon dolman pocket cardigan (mustard)
from Sing it for the girls

Kimmy pocket chiffon top (black)

from summer things
(this piece looks really cute!)

Andrea batwing pocket shirt (black)

from wrap trap

All these items were awesome!! The material were really good, and the designs were really nice too (as you can see!)

Just bought two more items from their most recent collection that was launched 2 days ago.

Chiffon back pocket slim cardigan

Gabby viscose pocket romper (rusty orange)

I'm sure these items are gonna be magnificent :D

Do visit wonderlust world and of course, Rachael will serve you with love as always :)

Advertorial for TCL

2011-07-09T17:21:00.000+08:00

I bought 3 of their manufactured tops from their 85th collection

The tops are really nice. I bought 3 colours..

TINKERBELLE PETERPAN TOP IN BLACK/COBALT BLUE

TINKERBELLE PETERPAN TOP IN CREAM/MUSTARD

TINKERBELLE PETERPAN TOP IN BLACK/CREAM

I love the fact that they used the lines for Peterpan in their photos, coz it's one of my favourite stories. And I've never really liked peterpan collar tops, but this time around, I couldn't help getting 3 colours all at once coz the design is just so pretty :)

I received my tops yesterday, and I was amazed at the quality, the satin inner-lining makes the top even more comfortable. Even though one of the tops had a stain, I still love the tops, though I hope that I could exchange for another one.

By the way, do visit their website!!

http://theclosetlover.livejournal.com/

Dead

2011-05-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

My blog is like dead, isn't it??

Well, June hols has started. And Econs MYE is on tues! Like -.- I haven't read thru a single thing yet. Tmr wil be mugging day. I swear. :)

Actually, Idk why I'm still hanging on, so many ppl are telling me to stop treating you well when I know you're not gonna do the same to me. But I can't bring myself to be evil to you. :( I'm prepared, mentally and emotionally that all this won't work out. But still. Friends? :)

I know that no matter how I hard I try or wish for sth, it might not always come true, and I know, and I accept that harsh fact..

But you can't change the fact that I still love you. And I still miss you. But as you can see, I'm doing my best to live my life without you. And I've got my girl friends :D Who are damn awesome k?!

All I wish is for you to be well, safe and happy. I don't mind being mistreated. I know that eventually, my heart will say "I've had enough" and I'll leave. But not now. Silly right?

oh and, I'm on a really mad shopping spree right now! Bought too much stuff. Need to stop already, and I might go work with Yi Win after MYE :)

Gah. Last day of MYE = my birthday :( Waste like 1 hour of my b'day. Anyway, I doubt I'll get anything, so, it'll just be any normal day! :)

Decisions?

2011-05-17T14:16:00.000+08:00

I don't know which is the right thing to do right now. Afraid of making mistakes, afraid of ruining things. Keeping mum about things is suffocating me, but what choice do I really have??

Bliss

2011-05-08T19:11:00.000+08:00

This is just a random photo. But food makes you feel so great don't they? Haha

Well, I totally enjoyed myself ytd with the 3 guys. :) We wanted to go to Marina Barrage, but the hot weather, plus some marathon thingy made us go to vivo instead. We went, then Glen met up with his friend, while the rest of us went to shop and walk.. I bought stuff :) Sandals from F21, bracelet from topshop. Haha. Bryan and Jeremy were walking and window shopping, but couldn't buy anything. :P

Then we went over to superdog for dinner. We sat there for a really long time, chatting.. And then, our dearest Glen showed up after slacking with his friend :) The nwe went over to Toys R us to play. It felt as if we went back to childhood times. We felt like some crazy old kids on a rampage, running around, and the guys kinda destroyed some stuff luh huh... But it was really really fun :D

After having a crazily mad time. We went to the bridge that connects harbourfront and sentosa. The view was really pretty, but the humid weather kinda destroyed the mood.. But, we saw stars :)

Then, it was late, so we went home :) haha.

To me, it was really an awesome day out. with him, and my 2 friends :)
Thanks guys :)

Tired

2011-05-03T17:05:00.000+08:00

Idk why, but I felt so so so tired of myself, tired of what I do, practically just utterly tired with my life. I don't really know why, really.

I mean yeah, I dislike trying to change back to someone whom I once was, I know I've changed. But I don't like who I am now :( Neither do I like my frequent mood swings. Well, at least, I think I'm happier now. But, I don't exactly know whether these are real or fake..

It's like I do care, I want something. But...I have to act. And in the end, I act till I have no idea whether I'm living a show, or really feeling what I feel. Get it?

I don't know. But I'll be okay again, somehow or rather..

I miss you. I wanna tell you straight in your face. But why would I be so stupid to even try to ruin whatever we have right now. Maybe if I tried, something good will happen. But once bitten twice shy, third time, shame on me. I'm not trying... No matter what outcome it is. Whether it is positive or not. I'm not trying anymore. You don't know that fear. That fear, that everything will be lost again. You don't understand..

I wanna know what is going on in your head.. I really wanna know. Jealousy.. It hits me so hard each time. But all I can do is to forget and forget and forget. Probably you still feel something towards me, I don't know. But I hope you still do..

I wanna whisper to you again, telling you that I love you..
But that will never happen, ever again..

Life thus far

2011-04-23T19:10:00.000+08:00

Life thus far has been alright. I think.. :)
I think, maybe, from now onwards, I will love my wednesdays ttm :D
Oh, and I think I've kinda bought too much stuff online alrdy.. I'm kinda broke right now. But I wanna buy so much more stuff!!!!! D: D: D: D:

Nvm! :)
I've got nothing much to blog about actually. Oh, and I went to church yesterday :) It has been like a year since I last went. So I decided to go ytd. I still don't know if it feels right to go again this week. I mean, I believe in Him, but I'm not very certain.. :(

Waiting. One and only choice left. Coz letting go isn't in my dictionary. :)

ROTTING!

2011-04-18T23:22:00.001+08:00

My blog is rotting! I'll update soon! Now, I'm gonna go to bed coz it's a little late D:

Inferior

2011-04-05T20:55:00.000+08:00

You never knew how inferior I felt. How I've always felt that I wasn't good enough, that no one would ever truly want me. Well, it's true isn't it? Look at where I am right now?

But I have no idea why I still love you. Well, though I know, I'm never ever good enough, I know I love you. I know it's never ever possible for anyone to care.

Wallowing in self pity for too long a time is making me lose myself. Something must be done. Silly me...

"Mistreated, mistaken, misunderstood, miss knowing it's all good.. These has all pulled me so down :/"

I know I suck.

2011-04-05T17:59:00.000+08:00

Yeah. I know okay.
I'm not pretty.
I'm not super slim.
I'm not really well-mannered at times.
I'm really blur at times.
I'm not exactly an ideal girl.
I can talk quite loudly at times.
I get emotional too easily.
I fall too deeply.
I trust too easily.
I get offended too easily
I'm lazy
I'm talkative, especially in awkward situations.
I can turn extremely quiet at times.
I can say really hurtful stuff accidentally.
I'm too playful when I'm hyper.
I'm childish at times..

I know I'm lousy. I don't need anyone to tell me, I know that too..
I know these are the reasons why I'm not needed, why I'm always casted aside too.
I know I'm always not worthy. I know I know.

2011-04-03T00:12:00.001+08:00

It's broken, and breaking some more.

Memories

2011-04-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

I remembered.. I once had a nightmare, a nightmare telling me that we would break up. You assured me we wouldn't, but look at us now...

I composed a song, somehow, with thoughts of you and us. It doesn't matter anyway luh.

I don't know. I'm feeling all lousy and down today. I miss you so much darling. Nightmares come true, dreams don't, I get it now. How do I get you out of my mind? How?

Despite these, I'm still contented, I have to admit, I am. I've only realised how much these little things meant to me now. Actually, I already knew their importance, but it is only now, that they have become so much more important..

If only you knew, how much I would do to make sure everything was alright. But I know, you'll be perfectly fine on your own. I know my presence wouldn't make much of a difference to you. I know that whatever I do, wouldn't have any effect on you anymore...

I was so afraid yesterday night. So afraid. I saw something scary. I used to be able to tell you, then you would comfort me. Now, I can only grit my teeth, and tell myself that I'll be fine. This kinda feeling sucks. I'm not doing well, not coping. But I'm staying strong. Yes :)

Baby, I love you. I'm not giving up till I've got nothing left, and I'll stay by your side, no matter how you treat me.

Just smile baby, be happy. If the sky falls, be sure I'll be there to save you.

I used to ask you this, and you said you would search for me everyday till you find me. Do you still remember??

Dead

2011-04-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

Haven't updated for nearly a week. Well. I got lazy alright.. I kinda flunked CT. Expected, I know. Coz I only studied the day before all my papers.

I got U for bio and maths, C for chem. Then, I have no idea how much I got for GP and econs, I have a feeling I'll screw GP essay. But I pray I won't fail. Coz I really really don't wanna go for the morning sessions on wed. I don't wanna wake up early. -.-

Sigh. CT.. Nevermind! I'll work hard. MYE is in 7 weeks' time. And, it'll be the whole syllabus by then. Damn it Cyn, start working already okay?!

Btw, my body's aching from PE and the extra run I ran ytd evening..
I'm wondering, if we could go out tmr. :/

Awesome~

2011-03-27T02:12:00.000+08:00

Went out with my dearest group of people today! Julie, Jeremy, Glen and Bryan!~ <3

Met Glen and Bryan at woodlands at ard 1+.. Then we played monopoly deal at starbucks.. :) And then, we went to timezone to have a little basketball game.. Then met up with Jeremy at boots and shoes, and off we went, to town :)

We went to food republic at 313 for lunch coz someone complained about him being hungry.. Then Julie joined us. And we went for pool! Tehre's only one word to describe the pool session, JOKE! Haha. Hilarious moments. Jeremy kept hitting the number 8 ball into the hole, even when it wasn't the right time. LOL. I'm like the worst player there lo :/ I can't play very well.. Haha! But still had fun! :) We played from 4++ till 7++

Then...... We went to eat!! We ate at some Italian restaurant. Well. Our meal cost about $20 each, plus GST and service charge :/ Oh well. I had a few sips of Heineken. Happy am I :)

Met up with Cassandra. Then went over to the roof garden at orchard central. Sat there, watched ppl in the skate park skating and roller blading, and falling.. And we stoned till Yan Juan and yien jun came. Walked around and went to Botak Jones.. Coz Jeremy said he needed to eat, again. LOL. So yeap. We went there.. Then home we went!

Took train back with Jeremy, Bryan and Glen. Glen took green line luh. Yeah. Haha. Something stupid happened on the train. Only the 3 of us know. We looked like little kids. -.-

Anyway! It was an awesome day!!! I love today! Okay. Yesterday. Reached home at 12.30am just now.. My legs are sore already. Walked around too much. And I'm hungry. Probably should go slp lest I go find sth to eat :/

But I'm craving for spicy food leh. Coz I walked past a seafood stall.. And I smelt sambal/otah. *drools* okay. Stop. LOL...

Nights!!! <3

I wanna go out with them again! :D

Under construction..

2011-03-26T01:59:00.000+08:00

Well... It's really true. You'll never be able to open up that far again. Not anymore, not without more effort.. Fixing a broken heart is tough. Fixing broken trust is hard. Finding lost faith and hope, is hard.. Something that's even harder, is to act you don't mind at all, when in fact, you're all broken and weak inside.

It's under construction. A protection. No more of this. No more. But.. I'm still there, on the same spot. Doing things I hate, but I still continue and I accept them anyway. Only I know why..

Now, I am really worried about you. I've let my imagination run wild just now, and I couldn't stop thinking about all the possible bad things that could have happened to you. Please be okay. Please be okay :(

You don't know, how much the little things you do.. Could make or or break me. You don't know..

Disbelief

2011-03-25T00:10:00.001+08:00

I don't know. It's this fear. It's hard to believe that something good is going to happen.. Things that have happened and are happening. It makes trusting and believing a little harder. I know, I know good things happen, good people exist. But it'll take a lot for someone to prove that to me now.

It's not that I'm becoming pessimistic all of a sudden, but it just the trust issue. Yeah? I don't know, at least, I won't get hurt as much if friends betray me. Although such thing happened, and it made me cry last year. But, friends come and go right? Esp those who aren't even true to you in the first place.

But, it hurts so much more in a r/s. Anyone would agree with me. Even ah lians and ah bengs treat love seriously. What more?!

I'm losing faith, day by day. That faith I once had in love. Too gullible was I, to trust and fall so deep. Hurt once, not enough. I just had to get myself hurt the second time. It's like, I'm no longer interested in falling in love with anyone anymore. I'm still straight luh. But yeah. Maybe now's not the time..

It's tired. It's afraid. It's weak and broken..... I'm trying to salvage it..
Now, I feel like a sitting duck, or maybe someone whom everyone would approach when they need help, and cast me aside when they are done with me. Do you think it's fucking fun to do that to someone, like a fucking toy?! But, that person is you, and I don't mind anything at all. You know?

:(

Feel like a sitting duck right now. Waiting.. Idk for what. Maybe, for the sky to finally crash down on me, after holding it up for so long.. :/

WORLD INVASION!

2011-03-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

I watched world invasion battle of L.A. today, after chem paper. It was damn awesome I tell you! All the exciting parts, the touching parts. I almost cried I tell you!!!! and and! The guy Imlay, the guy who has 2 balck lines on his cheeks and reads the map and carries a binoculars. He's damn cute! And I think his accent is damn cute too!

I love this kind of army show thingy, I love the team work, the bravery. :D

And.. Chem was okay! I hope I can get A uh. Hope hope hope. ><
GP, I hope I can pass
Econs, I think I can score.
Bio, I hope I can pass..
Maths, I pray I pass!! yeap :D

:'(

2011-03-19T01:31:00.002+08:00

I wish you were here to console me, to give me a hug. Your hugs always made me feel so much better. Now they are all just distant dreams. Dreams that will never come true.

UNPRODUCTIVE!

2011-03-18T20:55:00.000+08:00

I'm so not unproductive this holiday. CT are in 2 days' time, and I'm still dilly-dallying. :( But I did try to do maths. I'm stuck with functions. :(

I'm gonna flunk in integration too. How? I'm only confident with vectors.... die. I've also only roughly read through my bio notes. And I'm still left with virus, photosynthesis, apps 1A and 1B. Lousy me. I have such a short attention span. :(

Anyway, I'm gonna start on econs tmr. Start reading thru and stuff. Still not sure if I should go out with my pri sch friends for dinner tmr. D:

I miss him so much right now. I'm not supposed to be missing him at all. It's wrong. But I still miss him a lot :(

My thoughts.

2011-03-17T19:04:00.002+08:00

Knowing and doing are two totally different things. Knowing that you don't love my anymore, yes, that I know. But I still cannot let you go. Call me clingy, call me stupid, whatever. But I don't believe in letting go of something that has pulled me through such a long journey.

Yes, you have pulled me through a lot of things, you made me believe again, you've helped me. Yet, you made me fall, you made me not believe again..

When someone tells me that I'll find someone better than you, I'll always say "I hope so", if not I'll just smile.. But to me, it's hard to come by someone who will be better than you, you know?

Growing so attached to you.. Now, I find it really hard to detach myself. I know I get paranoid, I over think a lot. But I'd rather keep all the pain to myself, coz I know I don't want to ruin our friendship. Now, it seems like a one sided thing, like a crush. But this time, I know, there isn't any chance left.

Waiting. That's the only thing I can do now. I can't force you out, it'll only hurt more. That I know, I've tried, but it has failed. So I'm not trying anymore. I'm not going to get rid of you, neither am I going to ask you anything. Status quo.. That's the best solution.

I've promised myself, to love you, to treasure you. I'm still going to keep that promise.

I'm sick of people lying to me. People who said that they'll be there, but were never there. Don't be like them.. You promised.. But you don't know how afraid I am.. You don't know..

You said you wouldn't forget, but it seems like you've forgotten. we have nothing much to talk about now. It scares me a lot. Someone I can't live without, is drifting away from me. It's scary..

Giving myself false hopes, whatever. But I just want to remain close to you, even if we're just friends, I don't mind. Don't ever ignore me.. I know these are not leading me anywhere. But I'm contented to just be close with you..

All I need to do is calm myself down, and stop all the memories from flowing back.I know my heart can't take "just being friends", but I'd rather hang on and suffer, than to lose you again..

True love doesn't fade or give up, it perseveres

2011-03-16T16:26:00.001+08:00

我一直都是一个隐形人，存不存在都没关系。我曾经很害怕被抛弃，至今还是很害怕。但是，我已领悟到了。人总是会被抛弃，人本来就是寂寞的。以前所发生的是，如今又重导复演。怕了，累了，不想再尝试。默默的等待，至少不会受到伤害。

blank

2011-03-16T14:49:00.000+08:00

"I'm flooded with all these pain, knowing that I'll never hold you, like I did, before the storm."

"Maybe I should give up."

"I'm standing out in the rain, knowing that it's really over. Please don't leave me alone."

Don't leave me alone.. I don't really have anything to look forward to now. I feel.. empty, you know? I had you beside me, to motivate me to study. Now, I'm left alone, with all my wandering thoughts. I'm not getting anywhere..

Told myself to give up, to let go. I said that for a billion times. But it isn't working. I don't know why. Trying to act normal.. But there isn't a way for me to concentrate.. As hard as I might try, nothing is working. I give up already.

I still care. I still worry. I don't know why the hell am I still bothering about you. I know we lead our own separate lives now. But I can't leave you.. I sound like some.... :(

I just read through my blog posts. And I wanted you to remember how excited we were to get together with each other. But I guess, you just can't wait to get rid of me. I can feel that you don't want me in your life anymore..

Dear heart, let go, please. You'll break down, you already are. So please let go. I really want to dig you out right now. I'm tired already..

"I don't wanna leave you, I don't wanna let you go."

I still love you. But I guess, it doesn't matter to you anyway..
You'll never know, even if you did, you'll never care..
I'm just a thing of the past to you.
A girl who will never catch your attention anymore, a girl whom you will never love again.
A girl, whom you just want to get rid of.

But to me, you're still the guy I look forward to seeing everyday.
The guy I think of from the moment I wake up till the moment I sleep.
The guy who always catches my attention, the guy whom I'll love.
The guy who I want to keep forever.

I still love you, I still sincerely do.
I just wish someone could make you see..

Logic?

2011-03-15T19:40:00.001+08:00

"do what your heart tells you to"

Isn't that what everyone tells each other to do? But the thing is, it doesn't always work. There comes a time when you've done all you could, but nothing works. That is when you'll need to stop doing what your heart wants, and start letting your mind do its job.

That fear.. Fear of repetition. Fear of being abandoned. It's always there. And it has happened, and is still happening.

Probably should just flunk CT, and get out of here.

Terrible

2011-03-15T16:26:00.000+08:00

I just made a really stupid mistake in the morning. Next time, I shouldn't sms ppl half an hour after I woke up, esp with swollen heavy eyes :( I actually sent an sms to the wrong person.. I sent an sms to him, when I wanted to tell another person about him. But I ended up replying him and telling him sth. And there, no more replies.

I'm so smart -.-

Haish. Ytd night was a terrible night. Terrible terrible night. I laid on my bed for 2 hours, and I just kept crying and crying (that explains my swollen eyes). What am I supposed to do when I can't stop thinking? And it's at night already, I can't go anywhere what. And my dad was still up, so I can't watch TV either. So I could only lie on my bed, and cry. -.-

Haish. It has been a really long while since I've cried for so long.. I don't know, my heart ached a lot. Memories flooded in, they won't stop..

But I guess i'm okay now, just that I'm still really really not in the mood to study. And it's already tuesday D: I'm dead... :(

I'm gonna stop all these nonsense. Why did it all go out of control, when everything was okay? Stupid me.

I'll have to stop sending wrong messages already. My phone lags a little now and then, and I always end up sending msges to the wrong ppl. It has happened so many times already. I'll need to be more careful..

And, there's econs extra lesson at 8 tmr, and chem extra lesson at 11 tmr. Gah. Have to go back to school. Oh well..... :)

eruption

2011-03-14T22:16:00.000+08:00

Okay, the title is stupid. But it's related to my post. LOL.

I'm in the worst of all moods recently. I feel really negative, and I vent too much on twitter, by talking too much and complaining too much.. But I guess what I was afraid off, and what I felt were all true, somewhat or rather luh. But I'm glad someone told me..

I really feel very stupid right now. Really very stupid. We were all meant to be alone, then why do I bother so much? I hate that I'm the kind of person who minds so much about other people's views about me, and I hate how much I need to have a companion, where ever I go. And it is precisely all these that are giving me hell right now okay..

Me and my stupid actions. The stupid things I do. I can't think straight. It's like my mind is clouded by a lot of things. I can't focus. Might as well fail CT, and retain. Then I won't have to face anyone anymore. Right? Then I'll have an excuse to quit JC.. No, this is such a lousy way to quit school.

Last years, J2, sec 4, both years sucked. Suck like shit. I cannot take it anymore.. There is nothing I can do.

I really hate this feelings I'm feeling right now. Trying to find way, but nothing is working.. Nothing at all

REPLAY

2011-03-12T15:49:00.000+08:00

It has been on repeat for the past few days, the same feelings, both in school and at home. The same thoughts, going through my head. And the same ways to console myself. Anyway, I'm not gonna feel sad anymore after a while, coz we adapt and we get used to things that happen often right? Don't we? Yeah. I'm getting used to it already..

Just be safe, just be safe, I don't mind being ignored, treated just like a friend. Just be safe. I've felt this way, and had been treated this way before, so I'm alright, though I hate this fucked up feeling. But oh well.

And, I'm afraid of my GP essay D: Damn, why did I write about dysfunctional families and how modern world contribute to it?! I only wrote 2 pages.. -.-

I just hope it'll be alright. Now... I know I have to study for CT. But.. I'm not motivated to study at all. coz I'm not HUNGRY at all! >:|

Every single day, I miss you. Every single day, I want you back. But I'm no longer brave enough to ask, not brave enough to do more for you. I've become a coward when it comes to you. I love you baby. I still do..

HELLO!

2011-03-10T18:46:00.000+08:00

Haven't been updating for like.. 3 days? lol. There's GP CT tmr, and I'm in no mood to even read thru the structure and stuff. How??? I keep thinking about him, and I can't stop, why now? WHY NOW? D:

After tmr, it's the march holidays, and we'll have to mug for CT. I think we really have no life. Really :(

I'm feeling all @#^&%$ now. I wanna talk to you, I wanna hug you. But noooo, i can't -.-
Have to chill...

Nonsense.

2011-03-07T19:37:00.000+08:00

Yes, that up there. I don't know. None of these is making anything better for me. I feel like a mess sometimes. Trust me, I wish I knew how to make all these nonsense stop. I don't know why I still care, why I still get bothered. I don't know why okay?!

I don't know how long I can last like this. Probably, everything will be over soon. But it's so @#$&*% now. I feel so pissed. Pissed by my own actions, by my own thoughts. I wish I had better control.

Somebody teach me what to do. Please.. This is not fun, not fun at all. Why is this so hard? Isn't it supposed to be easier after knowing all the stupid truth? Isn't it? Fuck you heart, fuck you! Sorry, but fuck you heart! I hate how stupid you are, I hate how dumb you are. Why can't you be the "I've forgotten about you the next day" kind? Why? FFFFFFFF!

Whatever.

Btw, today, we had our very very last softball game. The first half inning was (Y), the opposite team didn't score, and we caught them on the fly twice! :) And then, in the end we still won, coz Hui Ling caught Brandon on the fly, even though the ball was flying at high speed. Well, the ball flew straight into Hui Ling's gloves while she was stoning. Hahaha. Nice! :)

Haish. I don't know how to get rid of this sucky feeling now. I feel rather awkward and out of place. I guess, I don't really belong anywhere. It'll never be the same. I'm left to wait for myself, pick up after myself, accompany myself. Even if I waited, I'll be ignored. But why am I still waiting? Oh wait, coz I'm a stupid girl who doesn't get any hints. Yes yes.

MY FIRST A!

2011-03-04T20:01:00.001+08:00

I've got my first A! I've an A on my A level cert already! Okay. Now, I just hope and pray hard that I'll get an A for PW too. Please get an A please get an A. I hope the whole class gets an A.

Hmm. Witnessing the release of the results reminds me of the scenario from a year ago, when we got back our O level results. I felt that I deserved the results I've gotten, with all the last minute studying, some more, it's not the mugging kinda studying.. LOL.. I'm kinda afraid that I'll be disappointed with my A level results next year. I hope I'll not be though. I have to figure out a way to make myself study harder, especially for maths and econs. GP too.

I have to work hard, I want my name to be called out, I want to be called up to the stage to collect my A level cert. I wanna get straight As. Must.. And I definitely wanna jump with joy and celebrate after getting my results. Like, duh. who don't wanna get good results. hahahaha

Okay. Haha! I'm really tired now.. D:

Btw, we played softball during PE today, and my team was (Y)! The first half inning was excellent. We got the other team out, 3 outs, without them even scoring a point! Awesome right? Erwin and Brandon caught the ball, and the batter was caught on the fly!~ :D

I think I'm being random right? lol.

Come to think of it, some things, you'll never ever know anymore. :/ okay, no more thinking. :)

:/

2011-03-02T21:44:00.001+08:00

Tried, but it just wasn't enough. I guess I was prepared enough. Thanks anyway. I really didn't know what to do. I kept digging, kept digging deeper. All I can do now, is just to convince myself. And studaye like mad. Okay. I know I'm not a mugger, but I'll really try.. D:

Dear heart, I know you are strong. Hold on, forget, do whatever you want. Just never ever show it, ever again. And eventually, everything will be okay. :)

Remaining like this, is the best solution I guess. I just hope things remain the same. At least now I know.

Fear.

2011-03-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure if I'm ready to accept whatever that will be thrown at me. But I know I've decided to do it.. Yet, I don't know how to... All I can do now is pray and hope. I know, I can only try. If it still fails, I can do nothing more. But I hope I'll be strong.

Now I'm just pretty confused, confused on how to put my thoughts across. Just say what I want? But I have to take into account that if I say it the way I want to, the hurt will double.. But if I don't, I'll nvr know.. Damn damn damn damn damn. FINE LUH! IMPROMPTU!

Bye~ I shall go to bed right now. :)

FML

2011-02-28T22:47:00.000+08:00

Why am I not able to concentrate on any fucking thing that I do? I can't focus in sch, neither can i focus on doing my homework at home. What the hell..

Seriously luh. If you wanna ignore me, just ignore all the way okay? Stop doing all the half half thing. Don't talk to me, if you want me to forget you okay? You know how I feel, and you're like keeping quiet about how you feel. Even if you're not tearing me apart, I'm tearing myself apart. I wanna like a jump down the fucking building right now okay. I cannot take this anymore. This isn't taking me anywhere.

I hate everything that is happening in my life okay. Like seriously.. I used to be so positive about things. Now, all my thoughts are like negative, all I can see is hopelessness. I think I'm preparing for the worst too often, more than I need to. I feel so stressed up. I'm stressing myself up, thinking about stuff. I want to cry, but I can't cry. What the hell is wrong with me. Please tell me.

I miss you, I want you back. Is there anything wrong with that? I think of you everyday, every moment. And I'm wondering why you're treating me this way, all the time. I don't know how long I can take this. I'm holding on, coz I know my heart is still with you, but I'm dying..

I just hope, and I pray, this wed would be good. Please be good. If not, I really don't know how I'm going to handle it..

I need to chill... :/

Lazy bug bit me.

2011-02-27T17:33:00.000+08:00

Seriously. I've never been so lazy since school started. I just kept pushing the time to start work later and later. Wait I think this is procrastination. Aiya, laziness and procrastination comes together anyway.. I was sitting in front of my homework like this..

And I walked in and out of my room a lot of times.. Yeah. But I eventually did my homework. Uhh.. I have no idea why I posted this, but I guess i'm just bored.

I just texted him. Yeah. I think the convo was a little -.- My fault :( nvm ba. hahas

Roger that!

2011-02-27T00:16:00.000+08:00

Okay. I randomly created the title. But it kinda links, you know, my heart and mind finally agreeing on doing something. I feel so so certain that I'm going to go with this. But I'm really afraid that I might change my mind when Monday comes. I can't be uncertain anymore. I can't be. :/

Still don't wish to go to school. I don't wanna face the world! D: okay. lol

I went blogshopping, and I've made my payments already. Can't wait for my items to come. I really can't wait. And guess what! GP paper is in 2 weeks' time! Holy..

I find it kinda weird that I could concentrate in class 2 weeks ago, but not anymore. Now, I just go to sch, listen, then forget everything. I can't keep this up. But I'm too emotionally driven when it comes to doing things. I need to be more responsible.. In a sense it's counted as a form of responsibility right? hahas

It's kinda a relieve, that my heart and mind ain't having a tug of war with each other anymore. Well, at least for now. Now, I'm just thinking of how to do this right. How to make things go smoothly. yeap.

Yet, a part of me is still afraid, that things won't turn out the way I want to. But, at least I would have tried.. :)

So cute! ♥♥

Mask

2011-02-26T02:16:00.000+08:00

I'm worried. I'm jealous. I'm upset. I'm still in love with you.
But I can't let you see these emotions that I feel. I'm in no position to show any of these feelings to you at all. I don't know how long I have to carry on wearing this mask. I don;t know how long it would take for these feelings to fade away.
I can't let you go, and I don't want to. And I'm afraid that, eventually, I'll move on. I'm afraid.

worthless.

2011-02-26T02:02:00.003+08:00

I have been chasing, and fighting.. I don't want myself to regret not doing anything at all, even if the results would hurt me.. But I would like somebody to chase me, to fight for me instead. I haven't felt that in a really long while.. I realised that I always give too much in a relationship. I'm always giving him all my attention, all my time.. Slowly, I felt forgotten, felt neglected.. And yes, eventually, I was thrown away..

Now, come to think of it, why bother finding love, when it always comes to an end? I want to feel wanted, for once in my life. You know, now it feels like, even if I disappeared, no one would even care. Nobody bothers anymore. I feel so invisible, so worthless now.

I want to hug you right now. I miss you. I miss all the times we spent together.

But I'm already forgotten. A nobody to you now.

I used to be really upset when we just broke up. I guess, now I'm used to the pain, the hurt, the sadness.. I still yearn for you to come back. But this feeling is slowly fading too. Coz I'm no longer sure if you feel the same way towards me.. I'm confused by you. You've made me feel so lethargic..

Am I really nothing to you now? Did your feelings for me fade away so fast? It's funny how you wanted me so bad, then not anymore.

I know, if I talked to you, and things don't work out the way I want to, I might ignore you. It's the only way for me to try to forget you.. I don't want this to happen. But neither do I want to keep the status quo when I want you back so much..

This decision making is killing me...

Although at times, I've regretted getting together with you. But I still feel that being with you was the best decision I've made thus far. It hurts a lot, thinking back, knowing these things will never happen again, but it only hurts coz it was and is still very important to me..

I wish that you could read this... I wish you could..

Memories.. They keep flashing back. The things we did together, all the places we've been, all the things we said, your smiles, your laughs, your anger.. All of you. I miss you. And you abandoning me at times is hurting me a lot. Every time you do that, it feels like someone is stabbing me right in my heart, but I still have to act as if I don't care..

I really hope that things would work out. I really do. I feel like some desperate idiot. But I need to know an answer so bad. Be it a yes or a no. I need an answer. So.. I guess I must ask.

I love you.

You know.. I felt that your feelings were starting to fade away already, before you initiate the break up. I felt it. I hate it when my sixth sense is right. And I hate myself for panicking when I feel your love fading.. I felt the same way with my previous r/s, and it too, ended. Yet, why do I still fall in love with you again and again? I don't know..

Determined?

2011-02-24T19:20:00.002+08:00

I.MUST.SAY.WHATEVER.I.FEEL.WITHIN.

At least, for now, I feel that way. I should stop thinking. :)

Just a desire

2011-02-24T17:31:00.001+08:00

I want someone who is afraid to lose me, who would sense that I'm upset and come over to hug me, I want a guy who loves me like I'm going to die the next day. Just make me feel loved and emotionally secure, just that.. I know I still love you. But it really feels super tiring, hanging on, and for me to keep continuing to try.. Yet, I can't let go.. Something is terribly wrong with me. Really..

I still miss you.. I still miss you, regardless of what you do. Even if I feel really tired hanging on, I still miss you. It's like, every time I see you, I feel alright again, you know? The actions you do, are so confusing. It feels like I'm riding a roller coaster, you get my hopes high, then drop me down again. D:

I miss you. But do you?

I just wanna feel the way I felt when I was with you, safe and comfortable, at least I felt someone wanted me. Now it feels like I'm not wanted anymore. And I feel lost..

Courage..

2011-02-23T22:05:00.000+08:00

I guess I should just do it. Many are supporting me, to do this. Why am I still hesitant then? I have to think a little more positive right? I have been thinking so negatively that I'm scaring myself so much. It might turn out good right? Jiayou Cynthia, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. Be brave, and go for it! Don't let yourself regret not doing anything at all okay??

An illusion

2011-02-23T14:07:00.000+08:00

I feel that I'm just pretending. All that I'm feeling are just illusions.. It's making me super confused.. Now I'll have to wait. I'm getting impatient. I wanna just say everything out to him. I can't stand this anymore.

My dreams are much more perfect than reality, I'd rather not wake up, forever.

Dearest, what do I mean to you? Do I mean anything to you at all? We used to mean a whole world to each other. You still do, to me. But do I mean the same thing, to you?? I want someone to come knock some fucking sense into me. So lost and confused that I have no idea what I'm doing is right or not.

They said I should go for it.. But... It's easier said than done. Finally, when I'm prepared myself mentally and stuff. I have to wait again. Yeah luh. I'm never first in anybody's heart. Never was, never will be okay? FML..

bye.

eh?

2011-02-22T18:23:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna do it! :)

I've been wondering... You've been doing so much things, getting yourself so caught up in so many things... I'm only here, nua-ing at home, coz I have absolutely no mood to do anything. Probably, I should learn from you, drown myself in loads of things, so I won't have time to think. But, shall ask tmr. I just hope whatever answer it might be, I'll be strong.

Still persevering..

2011-02-21T22:18:00.000+08:00

I'm not giving up yet, but I need to know an answer. I need to know. Yet, a part of me is afraid of what you might say. This is really killing me uh! Struggling inside. But I have to pluck up my courage to ask you. I have to know.

But, I'm not ready to let you go, I still love you.. Sorry, but I still do. There isn't any clear cut signs from you. I get so confused looking at the way you treat me.. Maybe, you're just being nice, and maybe I'm just being silly. I hate myself for being like this, being unable to let go despite it being nearly 2 months already. How I wish I can stop myself from thinking so much..

I need to know, so I would leave you alone. I know, it will kill me, it will kill me if I have to leave you for real. But, I have to leave you alone, if that really makes you happy, even if I shatter to pieces inside. I dread this okay?

They tell me to ask you, tell me get over this fast, so I can move on.. But I'm sorry ok? I've never wanted something/somebody so bad.. I don't wanna let go just like that.. But you ain't a thing, you're you, and I can't possibly say that I want you, and get you right? :/

I wish I could skip sch, and escape from you, for a while.

Spam~

2011-02-19T15:50:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna go spam music right now. Btw, this emoticon is damn cute right?!
I'm confused, I have no idea what to do, shall look at the situation ba.. :D

Uncertainty.

2011-02-18T17:28:00.000+08:00

A really complicated piece of puzzle. So hard to decipher. One moment, the pieces seem to fit, the next moment, they don't... It's like a never-ending cycle.. Too torturing to continue, yet too precious to forsake.. So I'm still trying to solve this puzzle lo.

Today, I decided to sit alone, STFU, and do maths, during maths lesson. LOL. I just wasn't in the mood to talk.. I didn't want to move to sit with the others. Partly coz I'm lazy.. But I was to blame.. I began thinking too much during the break before maths. D: But I felt slightly better after maths luh. So yeah. :)

I don't know. So confused.

If I were to leave, to be out of your sight, to never speak to you.. Would you mind, at all? What if I decided to not be in school for a whole week, what would you do? I really wished I could miss sch for a full whole week. Really, but I'll have to be seriously ill, or seriously injured, which in either case, is impossible.. :(

Nevermind. I shall be contented to be able to keep you in sight, that I still get to see you.

I miss you.

I suck..

2011-02-16T15:32:00.000+08:00

It's funny how my mood took an immediate turn ytd. I feel all upset, pissed, confused inside.. I don't know what to do now. I mean, the slightest things can make me even more upset now. I hate the way I am now. I really don't wanna go to school anymore. I wanna stay away from everyone for a while. I can't take it anymore.

And, I asked for a talk.. On impulse.. Probably shouldn't have asked. I'm such an idiot.

Yes, what you've missed, you've missed. No matter how much you wanna give your all, nothing will work. Stop pinning your hopes on anything. Please.

I wanna release all my bad emotions. I don't know. I mean. No matter how many people I talk to, I still feel the same. It's like my bad mood has become permanent already. I don't like this feeling.. I really don't. Everything that has made me happy, are all now making me cry.

Now, I keep questioning myself. I question so much that I hate my life. OMG. I need to stop. kthxbye

My hopes

2011-02-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

I just want a place where I can go, to forget myself, to forget everyone, everything. And be another person. This life.. Is draining me. I'm exhausted. Yes, I am. I mean seeing things happen to people around me and to myself. Things I can't change. Yeah. Our fate is in our hands. But it's more like, things happen, and we have no chance at all to change the course of things, no matter how hard we try to.

This is all so depressing. I wanna forget who am I. Start afresh, on a clean slate.

Life's a chore, no longer an enjoyment. I don't know what to do with it anymore, I can only pull and drag myself through each day. Yeah. I smile, but at the end of the day, I'm back to square one again. And the cycle repeats itself. Such a bitch.

Yes, I'm in a not so good mood for the most of today. I complained a lot to Yee Le.. I need to have some more self control.. I need to shut up more.

I wish I could help.. I wish I could know..

But someone once told me "hope isn't enough to get you the things you want.."

But let me ask you, what if I try, and I hoped, and I prayed, and I tried some more. And I still am not getting what I want, then what is the point? I might as well just keep hoping?

Yes yes. It seems all so bleak for me now. It'll get over soon. Or at least I hope so. But I doubt it'll be any time soon, coz I'm stuck in the cycle for the past 3 weeks.....

Take me away, to a faraway place, to hell, to heaven whatsoever, as long as I'm not here anymore..

Happy valentines' day!

2011-02-14T20:09:00.000+08:00

I think this was the best Valentines' Day I've ever had. Seriously. Spending it as a single for the 18th year. But... I had a whole bunch of great friends! 10S02, Sze Ming(my sissy) and Joanne(my date).. And not forgetting him luh.. :D I ♥ today!

Although we all ended the day with stupid running. But I spent the day well! :D

So.. I've gotten a foam rose with bear from Joanne, Letter from Sze Ming, Ferrero Rocher from Kah Min, Toberone(??) from Jia En, Cookies from Yong Yun, Cupcake from Julie, magic trick from Aaron.. And a sunflower from Miss Lim!

Yes, not a lot. But, I had fun today! And to know that he liked my prezzie, or at least didn't reject my prezzie, makes me an even more contented girl. :D

HAPPY VALENTINES' DAY!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

921st post

2011-02-10T17:35:00.000+08:00

Somehow. I think time passed really slowly, as in... Nvm. Time really seemed like it is crawling sometimes... :( I'm tired. Probably, my heart is feeling numb coz I'm getting used to it, and my heart then refuses to do anything anymore. I don't know..

Cut this acting girl. Stop this. Shut your mouth in school. Seriously. Don't do it to get his attention. Just shut up. Don't attract unnecessary attention. Just stfu. :|

I'm still hanging on to the rope, a rope that would snap anytime, in hope that someone would pull me back up and say "I'll always be here." If not, just let me fall, 'cause I really don't wanna climb back up anymore, I'm tired, don't wanna face another round of the same things again. I give up on trying again...

I'm not asking, not doing anything already. I'm not making any moves already..

School was alright I guess? Hahas. Just feeling rather tired. But I'm looking forward to Sat and Sun. :) Baking time~

I wonder if I'm getting irritating these few days. I don't feel like myself. Like I'm too noisy... D: I need to shut up.. And I wonder, if I shut up, anyone would care enough to bother.

And why? Why only talk to me when you need to know about homework? Why? :(

I hate this

2011-02-08T16:38:00.000+08:00

I dislike what I'm doing now. It's like, I'm spamming myself with work, then computer, not leaving any free time for myself to think. But I am starting to feel like a robot. I feel like I'm just flooding myself. Yes. Many told me that I shouldn't let what's in my mind affect my studies. But I don't know, it feels as if I'm just doing things for the sake of it, and that I'm not putting my heart into doing them at all..

My heart is experiencing a very weird sensation now. It seems to have grown cold, and numb.. Was it because I lied to myself too often? Or did I make myself ignore things till I'm feeling this way? I have no idea. But I definitely hate the way I'm feeling now.

I feel so out of place. Whenever the sky darkens, it's then that my thoughts flood my mind, I push, and I push. But I can't get them out. I hate this endless cycle.

I keep trying, I keep trying. Trying to not get affected by things he do, trying to not give up hope on the things I do. But.. More often, I feel like giving up.. Especially these 2 weeks. Foolish me.. I've been trying so hard, to stay as positive as I can in front of the others, and also, make myself stay positive. But the latter isn't working. At all..

I'm tired..
Dear Lord, take me now, the same thoughts are running through my mind, they can't get out. It's all about him, him and more him!

Dear you,
I hope you still know that I still care. I still do care about you, just that I'm really afraid to show it now. Seeing you treat the other girls the same way. Seeing you doing the same things to them as you did to me.. Most importantly, seeing you enjoy your life now.. I'm no longer certain whether I'm able to not be a hindrance in your life. Maybe, keeping the status quo is the best option now. But you know, I can never see you the way I saw you before all these.. I can't... I hope you know.. But I don't think you do.

How come..

2011-02-07T19:47:00.000+08:00

it feels like I'm dying a little every day? My heart is really tired, but it's still hanging on. My gosh. Tell me why..

A month..

2011-02-06T13:47:00.000+08:00

A month has passed. I should have forgotten all about you, should have totally no feelings for you. But it isn't working. Time has only made me want you back more, only made me realise how much I love you.. Time... I thought time would make everything fade away. But it isn't doing its job. It isn't. I'm just getting better and better in hiding all the emotions I have for you. All the jealousy, the love, the sadness. Yeah. I'm hiding them. You'll never know. You never will know.

Do you remember what day it is today at all? Do you??

Dear me, please stop these nonsense. Stop waking up to thoughts about him every single day. If it isn't killing your brain, it's killing your heart. Stop already.. Please..

I miss you. I have a billion words I wanna tell you, I wanna hug you again. But I miss you, are the only words I can tell you right now. Though, I would wanna say I love you more. But.. You ain't mine anymore. But.. My heart is forever shouting "I love you" to you. Remember that.

2nd & 3rd day of CNY

2011-02-06T13:26:00.000+08:00

My second day of CNY was great! I went over to my maternal ah ma's house and had loads of good food. My ah ma's a good cook, my ah gong too. Hehe! I love going to their house for lunch! :D Stayed there till about 2+ then headed down to Sherilyn's house.

We played monopoly deal, then majong.. Then we played black jack and truth or dare. And we headed to the void deck to play frisbee and pepsi cola. Hahas. It was fun! And then, we went back up to play again. Black jack, indian poker then heart attack. Awesome heart attack man! The forfeits were prank calling. And we had prank calls for valentines' day dates, muthu's curry house, pokemon... Joke..

Yeah. Some people started leaving. Then we stayed till 11+ and then left. It was fun. Fun to meet up with Eugene, James, Lok Shing and Sherilyn.. It has been a year since I last saw them. I kinda miss Eugene.. hahas! Honoured right?!

LOL. It was kinda awkward with my ex around though. Hahas. Seriously... -.-

Okay. Then, on the third day of CNY. I woke up at 2pm! Met up with Yee Le to head down to bishan for tuition.. My brain was pretty dead. I guess i'm stuck in the CNY mode.. And my brain stopped working all together. Mr Tan still kept stressing me for mental calculations. :(

After tuition, I went down to meet up with Julie, Jeremy, Bryan, Glen, Cassandra and Trisha at Ion. We went to the food court for dinner. But only 3 of us ate. The rest of us played monopoly deal. After playing, we went to get bubble tea, and headed over to Julie's place. We played black jack, indian poker and cheat/bluff. hahas. Quite fun :) And I ban ban and ban luck lo!! Lucky me, but I still lost a total of 50 cents. D:

We left Julie's place at around 11.40pm. And Bryan took a cab home, Cass went home. And me, Jeremy and Glen went walking around Orchard. We headed to Macs for ice cream and drinks and we chatted for a while. Then we walked ard again and sat down at some bench in front of paragon to chit chat.. Then we headed home! Cabbed home.. Queenstown, admiralty then yew tee. and then, I slept at 4am. Wow.

Gonna go meet up with Syakina to get baking stuff later at 2pm. Heehee :)

Hi!

2011-02-05T00:56:00.001+08:00

I had an awesome day today, just now whatever. Gonna update later today, now I'm too tired to think properly. Bye! :)

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First day of CNY!

2011-02-03T18:12:00.000+08:00

Okay. I'm back home after visiting my ah ma's house. It's so saddening that I dressed up and I only got to go to 1 house today D:

NVM! I'll be dressing up tmr too! And I'll be going to my maternal side's ah ma's house. And after which, I'll go over to Sherilyn's house to have fun!~ Heehee

Oh, and I think I've gotten like $80+ today, by just sitting at my ah ma's house, and waiting for relatives to come over. :) But the sight of so many kids make me feel old :( I'm like turning 18 already, legal age yes, but.. I feel old eh! Soon I'll be like 20, then 20+. Oh my gosh..

And I love the clothes my mum bought for me yesterday! Yesterday, as soon as I reached home from sch, I bathed and went out with my mum to go to Somerset! I bought a top and a pair of jeans from F21. I know I said I don't like jeans, but oh well. Heehee. After shopping, we went over to Tully's coffee(??) at Orchard central.. I wanted to buy paper from Urban Write, but the shop was closed. :(

Then we walked over to Ion, and we walked around. Then went over to Fox to get clothes again. And I bought 2 shirts. Happy me! :) Then we went over to Daiso, my mum bought so many things, coz they are cheap, while I bought cookie cutters and sweets :)

After which, we went over to AMK, dad fetched us to my ah ma's house, and we had our steamboat reunion dinner. I had abalone!!! Scallops!! ♥♥♥♥

But seriously, I was super tired.. So, when I reached home, I bathed and I went to bed immediately. I forsaked tumblr coz I couldn't take it anymore, and well, I slept for 11 hours, waking up at 10am.

Hmmm. Gotta do work on Sat already. I think I have to do my GP, and maybe maths and bio tut? Hopefully luh huh, since I have tuition in the evening. lol.

Okay. I'm gonna go do some tumblr-ing now.

Ah! And I think I've gained weight. Shit shit shit. Must lose weight again

My dream.

2011-01-31T15:25:00.001+08:00

I dreamt of you.. I remembered exactly what happened.. it was something good.. but I guess, happy things only happen in my dreams. Coz I get to control everything.. :)

Gonna go out with my mum tmr to get new clothes. And on wed, I'd probably go out with 4/5 peeps. Haha. Seems like my week is packed? Haha.

Haish. I really don't know if I can do this. I really don't know.. I wanna go back to my dreamland, at least I was much happier there..

Oh man. I need boost my own morale! Go Cynthia!

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AWESOME DAY OUT!

2011-01-30T02:33:00.001+08:00

Woots! Went out today with the rest! Woke up at 1+pm when I slept at nearly 4am.. Was supposed to meet a blogshop owner to get my items. But we decided to meet tmr(later, technically) coz it was raining heavily around 2pm, the time we were supposed to meet up. Then! I met up with Bryan and Glen at admiralty MRT station at 2.45pm, and they were late! Hahas.

Okay. We went over to Bishan, we walked around Junction 8, and we bought things. hoho! Feeling so rich today, coz I haven't been out for the past month, except for school.. So I have a lot of money! $_$ I feel like such a guai kia leh! :) Actually, I've been heading home straight after sch almost everyday so I could use my com to get onto tumblr! I guess I'm a tumblr addict now? hahas. Okay luh, I go home to rest too okay!

I went off my main point. Okay..After walking around. We went over to Coffee Bean and chilled and chatted. Then I left to meet up with Yee Le for tuition. I felt so clever during tuition again! I admit I haven't been listening during maths lecture. But I kinda know what was going on, so I could answer Mr Tan's questions during tuition. :D

After tuition, we went back to Junction 8, walked ard, and met up with Bryan, Glen and.. JULIE! for dinner at pastamania :)

I was so surprised that Julie came down :) And when I saw her, I ran and hug her!! And she was like "okay! I'm gonna make it dramatic" and she ran towards me as well. LOL! And I had no idea why Bryan called me Ogre. :(

And I almost got "kiap" but the auto closing door! Glen saw and he ran to save me or sth. Heehee. Thank you! I totally didn't know that the door was gonna close. I was still trying to talk to Glen from afar. Hahas. And Bryan left after gobbling down his food coz he had to leave first.. :/

After eating. We walked around, and went to popular coz Julie wanted to buy something. And guess what?! I bought an awesomely cute pencil case! Actually I bought it while walking around with Bryan and Glen earlier on.

It is super cute isn't it? Okay. Maybe I'm over exaggerating it, but I think it's cute! :D

After walking around, and after seeing guitar/piano/violin, we went off. Yee Le went home while me, Julie and Glen, went over to Julie's house. Hahs. When we reached Orchard, it was raining D: But luckily, Glen and Julie both had umbrellas. Oops! I don't bring umbrellas out de. Neither do i have tissue paper, so don't ask me for them k? :)

Glen was super nice. I said I was super scared of falling down due to my friction-less slippers.. Then Glen told me to hold his arm, then won't fall. Then Julie was funny, she said, she will shelter Glen's other shoulder, coz Glen was sharing his umbrella with me. And when we were reaching Julie's house, then rain got heavier, we were like -.- So we walked very fast, but I kinda slowed Glen down coz I was afraid of falling.. :(

I miss Julie's house!! Hahas. It has been a long time since I last went over to her house. Like since March? LOL!

Julie went to bake banana cake for her picnic tmr(later luh) at botanic garden :) Me and Glen jsut stayed in her room and chatted lo. Kinda set me thinking too. And how to deal with what I'm going through now. How to stop myself from thinking and stuff.. He's kinda right, I can't possibly stop loving him, but I need to control my thinking, and stop thinking of him, and lead my own life. He said it is really hard, but I need to try. Coz he understands what I'm through now, and how I feel. Sigh..

Then, after Julie finished baking. She came in, we chatted about the things we missed out in each other's life. And listened to music etc. And my dad came and fetch me at ard 12.30! And I reached home at 1am just now. I'm exhausted okay. D:

Gotta wake up at 11.20 later, meet the blogshop owner at 11.45.. And I might jsut come home and continue sleeping. But I must make myself do my maths homework. And finish up my carboxylic acid tutorial so I won't have so much things to do next week :)

AND! Actually, we have no homework this weekend! Awesome or what?! heehee..

Ah. my first post that is not related to him. I guess, I need to stop thinking. Yes I should. Distract myself or something.. But I know, I can stop thinking, but I can never stop loving him. That feeling never will fade/disappear. Never will..

And I kinda miss our clique. Okay. It wasn't exactly a clique. We just randomly came together last year. And randomly split.. But it was fun hanging out together. And I miss that..

I'm tired! But I wanna do some tumblr-ing first! :D

I AM A TUMBLR ADDICT!

Everyone of us are changing every day, and we are made up of different people. Our personalities are actually a small part of the other people's added together... Just how much.. That is why no one is the same. We get influenced by our loved ones, our bf/gf, out friends.. We change, and we never stagnate..

:(

2011-01-28T19:45:00.001+08:00

All I can say now, is that I'm sorry. I don't know what to do now, other than holding on, coz I know I can't let go. I'm sorry.. 对不起

But maybe.. Just maybe, someday we will be back... coz another chance is all I'm asking for.. :)

I'm such a stubborn dumb dumb.. But I'm just doing what my heart tells me to.. ♥
I miss you so much. But do you even miss me or even think of me at all?????

It sucks to be me

2011-01-28T18:41:00.000+08:00

I think it really sucks to be me :(
So many things I wanna tell you. Loads of things I wanna say. But I'm afraid. I have no idea why I'm so afraid. It's like what I really wanna do, but yet I'm holding back..
I've never wanted to stay by a person's side so much. I feel that I have to stay by you, I need to. It's like I need you.. Maybe you don't need me that much, but you'll still need someone right?

Something must be wrong with me. LOL.
I don't know. I just feel that a part of you needs somebody. I don't know what to do, now that I'm no longer yours. So I no longer have the right to ask or care too much. But I want you to know that if everybody else don't stand by you, if everybody doubts you, and if nobody trusts you.. I will be there, I'll support you. I know I have been getting all jealous and stuff when I was with you, but it's just me, over thinking things. Rest assure, I'll support you.

I'm hoping and praying for more hope right now. A glimpse of hope would be good.

And they quarreled again ytd night. Nothing I can do at all. It's saddening to see things turn out this way... :(

Would we ever still have a chance? 23 days and counting.. I miss you.. Wait and see what happens? I'm waiting.. Focus on other things? I am trying to. But I can't lie to myself anymore. I really can't. If I continue lying to myself, I'm gonna explode. Luckily, I can pour my hearts out at home.. So I can still be alright when I go to school, and have the strength to keep waiting..

I wonder, if you still remember..

910th post

2011-01-28T11:28:00.002+08:00

Trust me. I'm not giving up. I admit I get upset, feel tired, feel like giving up at times. But I know.. I won't give up at the end of the day. I still choose to believe. I don't know if it's silly. But I don't care, I'm going to do what I want, so I won't regret not doing anything when I look back. At least, I tried.

I don't know. Why did you give up the fight?
At times, I feel so dumb, still continuing this fight, alone. Coz the future seems so bleak at times, but sometimes, it feels as if I'm gonna win. Hahas. This is what is driving me mad. Really.

But despite of all these, I'm still hanging on. Trust me, I am.

Sometimes, I see you enjoying life, having loads of fun, I'll feel happy for you. But randomly, the thought that I am no longer part of your life, kills me. But you being happy, is more important than me being happy. So I'd do anything, and everything just to make you happy, even if it makes me sad. And you won't know if I'm sad, coz I won't show it to you, not anymore.. Or at least, I'll try..
I still do get jealous, but I'll just shut up, and brush it off. Coz there is nothing else I can do anymore. Coz I'm nothing more than a friend to you now, right? :)

I still remember that night, and the other night. So vividly. Like it just happened this week. I'm still thankful for those times, those wonderful times we had, they are my favourite memories, though thinking of them hurts me every single time.

How I wish I could stop missing you, stop loving you so much, so you could just move on, and forget about me. I think, you might be happier that way..

Just treasure yourself darling.. Live life like how you want to.. I'll be there for you, always. ♥

Wants

2011-01-27T18:05:00.001+08:00

Only wish, only want, only desire I have now.
Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming.. :(
I know, you are still here, as a friend.. But.. I need you back.. :(

I just cried.. I haven't felt this way for two whole weeks. Why now? Why now? I feel so useless all of a sudden.. I miss you..

You are still precious to me. No matter what you do, what you say. You are still special, and to me, you will always be awesome. That will never change, no matter how we change, or how the world change. I love you. And that is how I'll always feel. This feeling is true, I know it, you know it too.

Joke.

2011-01-27T17:06:00.001+08:00

You are trying to kid me aren't you? If you wanna leave, just leave, don't take me on a stupid roller coaster ride. :(

Today!

2011-01-26T16:29:00.000+08:00

Today is wed! Okay. So it meant that it was a short day for us today. We had carbonyl graded assignment, which I scored pretty well in. :D And GP essay writing. LOL. Okay. We got released at 1.30pm. And it started to rain while I was on my way home :( So I got caught in the rain, luckily, I didn't get really wet. Then, I went to visit the doctor. Got a 2 day MC. But I'm still going to sch tmr. I don't wanna sit for the chem test all alone next time :( Probably gonna skip sch on Friday. AWESOME!

I'm tired. Really tired :( Yee Le said my voice got worse today. Sigh. Nvm! It'll get better tmr! :)

Trying.

2011-01-25T17:31:00.000+08:00

My cough got worse when I got home yesterday. It got really really bad. I coughed as if I was gonna die. And my voice became damn sexaye within hours. I couldn't reach the notes I usually could reach when I sing.. I couldn't even talk loudly. :(
Hahas. But it's an experience for me though. Coz I have never lost my voice before, no matter how much I screamed and shouted during Sec 1 orientation in 2009 or during CCA.. But it's really energy draining to be coughing the whole day in school. Really tiring. It seems like my abs are working out more than usual (LOL!)

Okay. It's already the third week of school. And we are gonna have 2 tests tmr! GP essay test and carbonyl graded assignment and we're gonna have chem test 1 on thurs! Lala. I might go do a little of my bio corrections later. :)

Tuesday.. And I'm feeling exhausted already! :( I shall spam myself with H2O! :D

I miss you. I really do. And your results will be out tmr. I wonder how it will turn out. But, I do wish you all the best.
I'm going to ignore all those negative thoughts and hold on. I'm not giving up yet. Don't tell me to.. ♥♥♥♥

905th post

2011-01-23T17:08:00.001+08:00

I'm not always strong. Yeah. It's really true. I always thought I was strong physically(as in I don't fall sick easily). But within a short span of one month. I had fever twice, diarrhea once and now, my freaking cough and sore throat just keeps getting worse. :( My throat hurts, it hurts whenever I eat or drink, and it totally ruins my appetite. Hope and pray that it'll get better by tmr.

And I always thought that I'm emotionally strong. I used to be able to hold in my tears when I'm outside. But it didn't seem to be true last year. Always letting emotions control my head. :(

But I'll learn to be strong. If not, I'll be defeated easily, in this world, full of scheming people. This world isn't as pure as I thought it was. I once thought that everyone had a pure heart, that everyone showed their true self. But I realised it isn't always like this when I came to JC. Harsh fact, yes. But it made me grow up. Though it, too, did make me dread growing up further and entering into adulthood.

And regarding the talk with my mum yesterday night. She said that it didn't matter to her how her r/s goes. She just wanna enjoy her life and as long as she is happy, anything else doesn't matter. I don't know how she manage to have that kinda thought. But to me, I treasure my r/s with my loved one a lot. I would risk everything to make sure that my r/s goes well. And to me, if I'm the only one who's happy, while everyone else isn't, what is the point. But maybe, my mindset might change when I grow up further. But I don't wanna turn into this kinda person, it's scary to think that all you care about is yourself. Okay. My mum isn't all that selfish. But she tends to want things to go her way. Maybe it's the same for me. But I really really treasure all the r/s I have, be it BGR or friendships.

17 years have passed. And I'm turning 18 this July. I've been hurt, I've been betrayed, I've experienced things that I once feared and thought would never happen to me. I'm not as innocent, as simple-minded like how I was when I was younger. Things changed, people changed. It feels like time has passed by so fast. I've never ever detested my life till recently. Really. It seemed like everything was still perfect, and in an instant, everything disappeared.

I guess things aren't always going to turn out the way we want them. But, hoping and waiting, is another way to motivate us to move on with life. yet, it's always those hopes that bring us up and pull us back down into darkness.

What I hear from others are not things I wish to hear, and they bring me down a little each time, killing me some more each time. But yet, despite those reasons to give up and let go, I have a perfect reason to hang on and continue. That reason, is sufficient to surpass any other negative thoughts.

I really do wish I could be a child again, where I only worry about healing physical wounds. Unlike now, where the emotional wounds are deeper and harder to heal, no matter how hard we try. When we were young, we never had hidden agenda. We always speak whatever that comes to our minds. Ah well, but at least now, we understand better and we are able to be more considerate to others.

If I have a wish right now, I would just wish for you. Coz I know, with you, everything else will fall in place, and my heart would be at peace.. ♥♥
A simple wish, but it isn't all that simple at all.

Hahas

2011-01-23T12:40:00.000+08:00

Okay. I think my fever has gone down. But my cough is still there. It's so freaking irritating can.. :(
Okay. I slept at 3+am this morning coz I was talking to my mum. It has been a really long time since I've last talked to her. Okay. I NEVER had a talk with my mum before. We just don't have that habit. So, in my family, everyone kinda just keeps things to themselves, the more personal things I guess..

Yeah. Then I did a bit of carboxylic acid tut before sleeping.

I just hope I'll stop coughing when I go to school tmr. :(

I know I want this. I know I do. <3

Moon.

2011-01-22T13:58:00.000+08:00

The moon that I saw yesterday was pretty. It's so bright and round. I told him to look at the moon, and he did. HE even said that there was a bit of rainbow around it. Yeah. I saw. But after that, it disappeared. :(

I wonder if I can see the moon again tonight, with a bit of rainbow around it again. Coz it just reminds me of the past. I was so happy I could actually see the rainbow around the moon. It's really pretty.

Oh. Yesterday.. This guy that hasn't spoken to me for a year suddenly spoke to me when I went online on MSN. LOL. Actually, I don't know that guy. But since he talked to me, I just talked to him lo. He's a little weird for a guy that I dunno. hahas.

And yesterday night, my cough got a little worse, so I had cough syrup. But I felt so sleepy after that. Probably due to the lack of sleep too. And I just had my med an hour ago, and I'm feeling sleepy again. Sigh. I need to do my homework and go for tuition with Yee Le later.. I need to push on.

And, the second week of school just zoomed by like that. Time seems to be racing with us huh. But I don't want next week to arrive. I really don't want it to come. Coz, I
ll know the results that I've been dreading for the past 2 weeks.. :(

I'm just waiting, hanging on. And keeping mum. I don't wanna do anything wrong, to ruin anything.. I jsut hope everything goes well.

"life isn't that nasty to all its participants" - Sze Ming.

Hahas. I'll try to keep that in mind. :) Trying to build up more faith. But trying to keep my hopes low. No matter how much I want it to come true. I know there is always a possibility it might fail. So I need to give myself some cushions to land on.

Jiayou, Cynthia. :) It feels silly holding on. But I know it's what I want. And I'll not give up.

Oh no. I'm feeling sleepy now. It must be the medicine :(

GOSH.

2011-01-20T19:56:00.001+08:00

It sucks to be falling sick at this time. My throat hurts and I'm coughing. LOL. I. NEED. TO. DRINK. MORE. WATER.

This must all be a dream

2011-01-20T19:55:00.000+08:00

This week felt like it was all a dream. A happy one. It really does. I'm happy, I feel that I've accepted the fact. But I know I'm not letting go. I mean I can't look at him and say "We're just friends!" I just can't, coz every time I see him, I get a little more excited. When I get to talk to him, I feel like I'm in heaven. Yeah, it's that kind of happiness.

I sound like some crazy person. Uh. Okay, we had maths test ytd, and had bio test today. Hahas. Hopefully I'll pass them all. Next week, there will be carbonyl graded assignment, chem test. *smacks head*

But I shall relax and slack today ba. Hahas. Though there is a mini maths quiz tmr on summation sequence. LOL

I need to persevere some more.

I love you.

2011-01-18T18:33:00.000+08:00

I am super certain that I love you, I still care, I still worry. But I don't know if you still do. And what I can do now is wait. And the thought of you leaving, is killing me more and more inside. :(
I feel like I have so many things to tell you, yet, they aren't supposed to be said already.
The things you do, upset me. But there is nothing I can do about it anymore, but to die a little more inside. Everyday, I'm dying a little more. I don't know why.

But trust me. I'll be here. :)

Memories

2011-01-16T09:38:00.002+08:00

I miss everything. I really do. How to make myself not think of them? :/

:D

2011-01-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

I'm okay. :D
Afraid of trying. Maybe waiting is the best solution now. Nothing else is working for me. Taking my own sweet time to feel even better.

And I'm feeling sick. Seriously. I still couldn't believe that I woke up at 9++ am today. :)
And why did 11 days feel like a whole year? It felt so long. Every hour, every minute, every second was so torturing. Damn it luh.

Probably shouldn't do work tonight. Should go sleep. Now, sleeping is the only way I escape from all the unhappiness. The only way to allow my head to rest and not think. :)

And, I'm okay!~ Perfectly fine. :)

Gone case.

2011-01-15T21:11:00.007+08:00

I'm such a fool, such an idiot, such a stubborn dumbass.
Gone case.

Bitch. Learn to be independent. Life is never fair. You never get what you want. Note, you NEVER get what you wants. Just learn, and accept it, bitch.

Feeling so dumb scolding myself. Oh well.
Should have never texted. Should have never asked. Should have never tried. Then I would have never feel disappointed. *smacks head*

Cynthia. You are so dumb, so stubborn, so idiotic. Why you never learn to take things to stride? Somebody please whack me on the head and make me forget. Thank you very much. This way, I won't have to rant anymore, so I won't irritate people. And I won't remember anything.

Cynthia, why you no smile and forget all the bad things? Why you like to harp on things? Such an idiot.

okay.. cool it cool it. coz you will be fine. You always get back up, don't you? Maybe, you just need a little more time this time round. Need to make myself come to my senses. You are strong. You are strong. Many of your friends broke up, and they survived. You can too, right? :)

But still. I do still feel like a gone case. :/
Oh well. I'll probably be too preoccupied with school and stuff soon. Only a week has passed what. LOL.

Gosh. Stop caring. I'm just killing myself more inside. But how not to care? I don't like pretending. I don't like acting. But when I try, I die some more. How?

Having a head-heart war now. So annoying. And having major mood swings is horrifying and irritating. I need to build up more positivity. Like how I was last time. Or maybe I just didn't mind so much last time. Oh well.

FIGHT THROUGH THIS SHIT CYNTHIA!
Be glad that things didn't end really nastily. Smile because it happened. Memories stay. Stop kicking up such a huge fuss over it.

SMILE! :D
tired. I need a rest, a break from troubles.

:)

2011-01-15T15:48:00.000+08:00

Waiting is okay, hoping is not. So probably I'll wait.
Please be safe. Please be happy. Please be healthy.
Hoping for a miracle to happen, but as long as you are fine, I'll be satisfied.
At least that is how I am feeling now. As much as I want you back, I will never ever want you to be unhappy. Never. Just live life as you please. Just be safe, happy and healthy okay?

I have no reason to hate you. Because, I don't believe that love can turn into hate.
Take care :)

Sorry

2011-01-14T18:39:00.000+08:00

Sorry that I'm hanging on so tight. Feels like slapping myself till i die or something.

:(

2011-01-14T16:07:00.002+08:00

How to let go when it meant so much?
Many people advised me to forget about it, move on. That he isn't worth it.
I have no idea why I love to hang on so much alright?
This feeling inside. It's like a total mess. Like a hurricane just came by..
I just feel, dead inside.
I know I look happy, I laugh. But, I'm not happy. I really am not.
Probably, just hoping, I'd never ever wake up. Looking back, all the things you've said. All the promises you've made. They have now all become lies. Lies.. Things that you said you would never do, you did them anyway.
I don't hate you, I'm just really upset.

I'm wondering, how do I pull through the rest of this year.. I'm already so tired of everything now. I don't wanna try already. I'm tired of guessing. Tired of trying to get rid of the feelings I feel within me. Tired of the life I have now..

If it is meant to be, it will come.

No matter how much I teared, how many times I scream into my pillow. That fucking feeling is still there.
I feel dead, inside. Nothing I do is right. I should stop trying.

I know. Many friends have consoled me. Thank you. But I'm the one who can't let it all go.
Sorry. That's all I can say to you guys and to him.
Is it really that easy to let go. As in like seriously?

I don't wanna act like I'm alright already. I'm tired.
I smile, coz anyone can make me smile.
But, I realised, I wasn't actually truly happy, ever since school started. It was all in a mess.

Too many thoughts ran through my mind again. And I'll be truthful. I'M NOT OKAY.
Tried to be, but just am too tired to continue acting.

Alone.. All over again.

LOL

2011-01-13T16:54:00.000+08:00

It's funny how life can go so so wrong, all the time..
Okay. Today was alright luh. I mean I was focused during maths tutorial and stuff, though I didn't do my work. But hey! I listened and followed Mr Tan ok. Well. He was teaching a the speed of a snail. But oh well.
All the other lessons were alright.

And Julie came back to crash the lesson. I miss her so much. :(
Sigh. Life is such a bitch sometimes.

But I'm glad that me, Jeremy, Bryan and Jia Jun went for lunch after school. We had a great chat. Okay. We talked about the stupid things that people do in our school, our CCA. And yeah, ghost stories, about PJ, army etc. Okay. The ghost stories had their negative side effects.

:( Have to go study for my econs later. Can I not study?? LOL

Pretty much how I feel now.

2011-01-12T14:58:00.002+08:00

Hate.

2011-01-11T22:10:00.002+08:00

Trying, only to know that it will fail in the end. I give up.

Hahas

2011-01-11T16:48:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling that my blog is going to die soon. Oh well. J2 what.. Hahas.
My mood is still a bit cui today. Thinking too much ba. A lot of things, really. :/

I have no idea what to post about, school isn't as interesting as you think okay? The scheme of work this year is like what the shit luh. It feels as if I'm going to die soon. I'll have to make myself work hard. But I feel like giving up already. How??

Competitive world.. Sigh.

-.-

2011-01-10T18:35:00.000+08:00

Feeling a little unsafe to blog here already.. :/
Ah. Well. Today, I went to sch, feeling rather high, I have no idea why. I was kinda happy and I talked quite a bit to Yee Le. Till after recess that is.. Then after chem lecture, I started to feel, like, a funny feeling you know? The "so near yet so far" feeling. Yes, no?

And I'm feeling so so so pissed with some asses. Seriously, wtf is wrong with you? If that is what your true character is, then I am truly sorry for you. If you like to act all nice in front of people and do things that go against what is morally right, then I have not much to say. Coz, it is useless, and a total waste of time talking to such people. I have no concerns over people who have no conscience.

Actually, school was alright ba. But somehow, just ended up in a bad mood. The rain isn't making things better, although it's a nice weather to sleep in..

Need to go bathe and get my econs and the chi-square thing done.

And, seriously, people with no conscience.. I pity you.

Last day of the holidays

2011-01-09T23:39:00.000+08:00

Holiday is gonna end in less than half an hour. And I'm gonna go off to sch in about 8 hours. I kinda miss going to school you know? But the thing is, I'll detest school again after a while. Ah. It's such a vicious cycle. Love-hate thing you know? You get to see your friends, have fun with them, gossip. But the thing is, you also get to see people you dislike and you see something you'd hate the most, homework.

Well, went for tuition today, met up with him before going. I guess we still talk like how we used to. Just a few moments, when there was just nothing but awkward silence. But, oh well. At least we still talk ma. Learnt about Poisson distribution today. Haha. Feeling so clever already.

I'll have to focus more, and really really love my maths now. I can't hate it if I want to do well. I can't afford to repeat the things I did for my O levels. My aim? Hopefully straight As, only possible if my chinese get an A, as well as for my PW.

Hi maths~ I love you~
-.-

I guess I should go to bed now. Wanted to sleep at 11pm, but dragged till now. Hahas. Nights :)

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2011-01-08T22:35:00.001+08:00

放不下，放不下。我一直在想你。怎么办，我应该要怎么办？好希望你能够回来，但是，这可能吗？

Pfft. Feeling so useless now..

I know I have been having super short posts lately. But.. What can I do? I was at home, feeling sad, trying to do my homework, facing no one else but the computer, the TV and my homework(again.) Yeah.. Boring life.. I really really tried. But I can't, sorry, I just suck. :/

Come to think of it, I have finished most of my homework. I've lost my maths revision 15-18, so it seems fated that I shouldn't be doing my maths. And I looked at my econs homework, did the first few parts. And I went blank. I just wasn't in the mood to do my homework anymore. :/

I'm going for tuition tmr, I'm gonna see him. I don't know how to face him. I don't know what to do when I'm at the tuition centre tmr. Sit with him? Sit alone? I feel so >< now. :(

School is gonna start on Monday. It might probably serve as a distraction for me.

I think I'm still trying to deny things. Hope, hope, hope..
How to stay positive when nothing goes right??
No rainbows till now.

:/

I want 2010 to rewind, I dislike 2011. I really dislike 2011...

:(

2011-01-08T13:05:00.000+08:00

I looked at my private blog's posts. Had been feeling really down for a month already. But seriously, those are nothing compared to how I feel right now.. That feeling inside, is tearing me apart. It's like I feel that I'm fine and that I've forgotten about you, but in fact, I was just lying to myself.. Yeah.. 3 days.. 3 days have passed..

Smile Cynthia. Smile..

I'll be strong?

2011-01-06T13:26:00.003+08:00

I'll try to be strong. But I've been staying up.. replaying memories again and again. I told myself it's over, and no point thinking about it. But it isn't working at all.. it isn't. My heart just kinda feels like it is dying..

Stupid me. Get over it, please.. my heart can't take it anymore.. I feel so shitty now.. I'll spam myself with homework now..

I feel so dumb. I told him I accepted the break up. I told him to still be my gd friend. but why the hell am I still wanting to hold on? no more.. I feel like I've lost everything.. Everything I've had. He was my everything.

I know I sound like a whiney bitch. but I dun care. I need to be fine when I go out. I need to look perfectly fine. I need to.. I need to put on a smile, even if I feel like shit inside.. I have to..

Stop.

2011-01-05T23:24:00.000+08:00

I wanna stop thinking already. I know I can't let go. But I don't wanna think already. The more I think, the more I'll miss you. And this sucks. It's like being so into someone, and suddenly, you need to leave that person. Too much of a blow to me. I need time.

No...

2011-01-05T15:39:00.002+08:00

This isn't happening.. I need time.. Broken.. I don't know anything now. I really don't know.

I don't know.

2011-01-04T14:24:00.001+08:00

I don't really know anything anymore. I guess I shouldn't care too huh. I always have to find out from someone else. And then ask you guys. This sucks.. Not important enough to know anything. I know I'm not important to any of you guys. Hah. Putting my phone aside already. Since no one would contact me for anything. Bye.

Cynthéya

Screensaver mode

2011

Special occasions?

Terrible

:(

:/

Falling apart

3 more days

Bad thoughts..

Advertorial for Wonderlust world

Advertorial for TCL

Dead

Decisions?

Bliss

Tired

Life thus far

ROTTING!

Inferior

I know I suck.

Memories

Dead

Awesome~

Under construction..

Disbelief

WORLD INVASION!

:'(

UNPRODUCTIVE!

My thoughts.

*blank*

Logic?

Terrible

eruption

REPLAY

HELLO!

Nonsense.

MY FIRST A!

:/

Fear.

FML

Lazy bug bit me.

Roger that!

Mask

worthless.

Determined?

Just a desire

Courage..

An illusion

eh?

Still persevering..

Spam~

Uncertainty.

I suck..

My hopes

Happy valentines' day!

921st post

I hate this

How come..

A month..

2nd & 3rd day of CNY

Hi!

First day of CNY!

My dream.

AWESOME DAY OUT!

:(

It sucks to be me

910th post

Wants

Joke.

Today!

Trying.

905th post

Hahas

Moon.

GOSH.

This must all be a dream

I love you.

Memories

:D

Gone case.

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